Law Jokes

Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them.

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick.

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
   
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the dog.

How do you break a lawyer's neck?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Both have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

What do lawyers and nuclear weapons have in common?
If one side has one, the other side has to have one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw everything up forever.

What word describes a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
Retired.

What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
Accountants know they're boring.
 

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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was sure he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
 

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A man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared.

"Master," the genie said, "Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that every lawyer will get twice what you get. After all, I am a lawyer's genie"

The man thought about this for a minute or two. "For my first wish, I would like ten million tax-free dollars."

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured him that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I would love a big 50 room mansion to live in with my wife and children."

Instantly, the man was shown his 50 room mansion. "But every lawyer has just received two 50 room mansions," said the genie. "You are down to your last wish. Use it wisely," the genie said.

"Well, okay." The man said as he paused for a moment. "Yes! I've got it!," the man said.

"What?," said the genie.

"Scare me half to death."

*****
 
A coroner was being cross examined by defense counsel. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner again replied, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?," asked the attorney.

Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney then asked, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, who by now had tired of the browbeating replied, "Well, let me put to you this way. The man's brain was on my desk sitting in a jar, but for all I know, he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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One day, the children were in class when the teacher said they were going to talk about careers and what their parents did for a living. A number of hands went up.

"Connie, you go first," said the teacher.

Connie said, "My daddy's a doctor, and my mommy stays at home and takes care of my little brother."

"That's terrific!", said the teacher.

"Susan, you're next. What do your mommy and daddy do for a living?"

Susan replied, "My daddy's a policeman, and my mommy is a nurse."

"That's wonderful," replied the teacher. "Johnny, you're next."

Johnny proudly boasted, "My daddy's a piano player in a house of ill repute!"

The teacher, horrified at such a statement, quickly changed the subject and moved on to something else.

That evening, the teacher went to Johnny's house, and was greeted by his father. She related to him the events of the day, including Johnny's boast of his employment. She asked for an explanation.

"Oh, that's easy," replied Johnny's father, "I'm a lawyer, but how do you explain that to a seven-year old?"
 

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What do you call 20 lawyers jumping from an airplane?
Skeet.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea (Clinton).

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's an ugly, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.

What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

What's the last difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out.

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
3. There are some things a rat just won't do, and
4. This is one area where the animal rights activists won't get worked up over.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before he is arrested?
An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after he is arrested?
A lawyer.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

*****

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He saw a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for Doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

How much for Lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"100 dollars an ounce. Why is lawyer brain do expensive?"

"Do you have any idea of how many lawyers we have to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see Peter, James and John. To his total surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to see where the lawyer was, and warmly greeted him. Then Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and led him to the head of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

To which Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be 193 years old!"

*****
 
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 

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The New York State Assembly recently passed legislation regarding the hunting and harvesting of atorneys. They can be found by clicking on New York Attorney Hunting Regulations. Happy hunting!
 
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Johnnie Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnnie Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."

"Never heard of it", said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnnie violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnnie slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnnie.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

*****

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
 
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What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
 
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An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."

An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished.

Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?"

"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes !"
 
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."
 

Why did God invent lawyers?
So that Realtors would have someone to look down on.

Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good.

Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other.

"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.

"I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said.

The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I only have to outrun you!"
 

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Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy.

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A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

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A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand. The witness was a punk from the streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered. "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath", the punk replied.
 
*****

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
 

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Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
 

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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
And his son?
Bill.
 

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How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many personal injury* attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

*****

In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are all about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer, shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Oh, wait a minute, I see your problem......"
 
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.
 

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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."
 
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

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